Favorite Amazon Reviews


Below I’ve compiled a collection of some of my favorite reviews on Amazon. I will periodically add more as I find them.

The Phantom Menace

Me and my Stepdad hated it!
I watched this movie with my stepdad the other night and we both agreed that it was the worst movie ever made! My stepdad says that George Lucas is a jerk who only likes money. I agree. Why was there no fun stuff? It was like watching a boring video game. My Playstation 3 is more fun than this movie! I wish George Lucas was cool so he could make better movies. When the movie was over we scratched up the DVD and returned it to the library so the next people to check it out will be spared how stupid and boring it is. The movie is this: 2 guys (i think they are the guys from Empire Strikes Back) fight these weird robot guys and then end up in an underwater city where they meet JarJar who was cool. He was my favorite character. Then they meet this girl (who was hot) and they take her to this desert planet where they meet this dumb kid whos name i don’t remember. I'm jealous because he had all those cool toys! Then they go to a planet and do boring stuff for the rest of the movie. My stepdad says the original movies are better but I don't want to watch them because they are old! Old things are boring and stupid and I hate them! Overall my stepdad and me give this pile of s-it and 1/5.
Link to Original Review Don’t forget to read the comments. I’m pasting a few below.

Some Replies to Me and My Stepdad hated it!

Baron Sardonicus says:

Wow. Your review is just poison, and not helpful in any way to other shoppers. This is not a sounding board for complaints and rants. Your attitude about movies, other people, and old things, is sickeningly narrow-minded and pathetic. I am glad you are not my kid, and I would be ashamed of whoever brought you up to be like that. Destruction of library materials just because you didn’t like the item is INSANE and NASTY. You and your stepfather need psychological help, whether or not you admit it. Does it even occur to you that another person might like this movie, even though you don't care for it? You're the sort of person who spits on anything they don’t find fun, even at the expense of other people. You lack decency and consideration. You will never be happy. Do us all a favor and don’t write reviews for Amazon anymore.

Carole Zureick says:
This is quite possibly the worst review I have ever read and I’m not saying that because you trash the movie, I’ll be honest I didn’t care for it much either. But kid let me just say that you have a lot of growing up to do and it sounds like your step dad does also. The fact that you destoryed a library disc is horrible and the fact that your step dad helped is worse, it is not your property and you have no right to anything of the sort to it. I find it horrible that these are the kinds of values that your parents are teaching you and it is no wonder that you don’t seem to have any respect for old things as you put it for it doesn’t seem like your step dad has much respect for anything. You have a lot of growing up to do and I can promise you that if this is the kind of myopic attitude you are going into life with maturing is going to be a very painful process. I pity you.

Michael Sarras III says:
OMG!!!!!!! You and your father need serious therapy! Your act of destruction of public property is DESPICABLE! You have no respect for anything! I have to agree this was the most awful and sickening,gutwrenching, disgusting review and act of carelessness I have ever seen or read in my life! You need to spend a couple of nights in a history museum and debug your brain and when that happens, maybe you’ll have more respect for old things.

The Return of the Living Dead Soundtrack

The Return of the Living Dead
Calebini says: I am a grandmother, over 60 years old, and wanted music for a night with friends on Hallowe’en at my house. I liked the Monster Mash album--light vintage lyrics for a fun evening. I am not into gore and blood at Hallowe’en, and did not even open The Return of the Living Dead--the album cover was enough for me to make a quick decision. I will make sure my kids do not want it and I will return it. I like rhythms--anything from Carmina Burana to Bob Marley and reggae; with a dose of Mozart, bluegrass or folk. NO GORE even though the music might be great--it’s not for this grandma.
Link to Original Review (note how upset some of the commenters get)

Saved By the Bell: Soundtrack to the Original Hit TV Series

A moving work of pure genius
A universally acknowledged masterpiece, Saved by the Bell represents a departure from song structure and toward a more ethereal, minimalistic approach to sound. Despite the stripped-down arrangements, the album's sumptuous tone quality reflects Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s growing virtuosity at handling the recording studio as an instrument in itself (à la Brian Wilson). There are a few pop songs scattered here and there (Saved by the Bell , Surfer Dude, Deep Within My Heart), but most of the album consists of deliberately paced instrumentals which, while often closer to ambient music than pop, are both melodic and rhythmic; many, like Go for It, Did We Ever Have a Chance, and Gone Hawaiian, are highly imagistic, like paintings done in sound which actually resemble their titles. Lyrics are infrequent, but when they do pop up, they follow the free-associative style of albums past; this time, though, the humor seems less bizarre than gently whimsical and addled, fitting perfectly into the dreamlike mood of the rest of the album. Most of Saved by the Bell is like experiencing a soothing, dream-filled slumber while awake, and even if some of the pieces have dark or threatening qualities, the moments of unease are temporary, like a passing nightmare whose feeling lingers briefly upon waking but whose content is forgotten. Unlike some of his later, full-fledged ambient work, Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s gift for melodicism and tight focus here keep the entirety of the album in the forefront of the listener's consciousness, making it the perfect introduction to his achievements even for those who find ambient music difficult to enjoy.
Link to Original Review

Jungle Holocaust

Wow, ugh, barf and great!
Jery Tillotson says: This is the ultimate cannibal movie. I don't mean the chomping dead or the zombie dead but the real mccoy. "Ultimo M ondo Cannibal" or "Jungle Holocaust" was filmed on location for two months in the treacherous jungles of Malaysia. There were no trick shots or stunt doubles and this incredible cast and crew experienced hardships that would never be tolerated by a Hollywood crew. Ruggero Deodato directed and produced this epic in l977 and it's been shown in thousands of different forms around the world ever since. Media Blasters now presents its sumptuous restoration for the first time. This version really deserves the "uncut" status and it delivers. First of all, you get a whole set of beautifully produced poster cards depicting scenes from this treat. Then you get a commentary from the great one himself, Ruggero Deodato, and on-camera interviews with the two male leads. This is profoundly important because you get to see the fabulous Massimo Foschi as he is today. He is the rugged, gorgeous, natural, macho Italian male lead. If possible, he looks even more magnificent today, nearly 35 years later. You get to see ALL of Massimo--from his black curls to his toes since the cannibals strip him naked early on in the movie. Thank God he stays like that through the rest of it until the end. Massimo bare naked and completely natural is one cinematic experience you'll never recover from. His performance is phenomenal as he struggles and weeps and fights to escape his cannibal captors. Today, silver has crept into his dark hair but good God, this guy is fantastic! One wishes there would be a remake with him again as the star, as Ruggero remarks in his commentary. Now, as to the commentary: our marvelous Ruggero does wander a bit. When the scene is shown where the naked native girl, played by Me Me Lai, eh, pleasures our rugged Massimo with her hand, you're dying to hear how this scene was filmed. But we have Ruggero talking about the friggin' New York subway system! In another hysterical sequence, we watch the barf-inducing sequence where the native girl has been re-captured by the cannibals. She's butchered, eviscerated, with the cannibals having a human feast. Our interviewer then casually asks Ruggero: "Was this really the actress we see here?" He cites the part where the dummy's heart is torn out and her entrails unraveled. Even the laid-back Ruggero is momentarily shocked by the question. "Well, no. That isn't the real actress. It's a dummy." I wanted to shout at the TV screen: "Hey, maybe the idiot interviewer had a point. Because the actress vanished soon after the movie came out." In another on-camera interview with the second male lead, Ivan Rassimov, you're relieved when it's over. This poor man is so obviously ill and aged he doesn't even remember where the movie was filmed! As he tries to remember, i.e., "Was it Paris, the Amazon," I screamed: "No, you dope, it was Malaysia! Malaysia!" In yet another crazy incidence of reporter stupidity, the interviwer continuously asks Ruggero where the movie was filmed. Ruggero calmly repeats again and again, "There was no studio. It was filmed all on location." Ten minutes later, the reporter asks again: "Was this scene shot in a Paris or a German studio." Pause. And then Ruggero answers again. "There was no studio. It was filmed all on location." The photography is fantastic but the score by Ubaldo Continiello is weird. It's lush violins and woodwinds when so much of the action screams for something more modern. You can't go wrong with this one-of-a-kind movie. Massimo recounts relentless hardships and dangers, including a very close encounter with an anaconda snake. This man is the one who should have starred in the l960s action thriller, "Naked Prey." As you may rememer, Cornel Wilde played the fleeing American who is stripped naked by natives and forced to depend on his wiles to survive. But the American movie faked the "naked" part, having Cornel wear a pair of briefs. Massimo would have played it full frontal and full rearwards naked and what an incredible hero he would have been.

Dufay: Missa L’Homme Arme

Sometimes when you are assessing whether or not to purchase a CD, whimsical last names can be the deciding factor.

The Masters’ Masses were not for the Masses
Gio says: Masses composed around the melody of the song L’Homme Arme (the Armed Man) are almost a genre onto themselves. Musicologically speaking, they are ’parody’ masses, that is, polyphony compositions using the melodic themes and harmonic structures of a pre-existing chanson, often one with a secular text. Due partly to the odd jaunty quality of the L’Homme Arne theme, all of these masses are exceptionally colorful in rhythm and voicing, more sumptuous than pious, more flamboyant than devotional - a liturgical call to arms. Virtually every major composer of the 15th and 16th centuries wrote one; amazon currently lists performances of L’Homme Arme masses by Dufay, Busnois, Ockeghem, Josquin, Obrecht, de la Rue, Senfl, and Palestrina, as well as less well-known composers like Robert Carver, Mattheus Pipelare, Johannes Tinctoris, Juan de Anchieta, Johannes Regis, Cristobal Morales, and Mathurin Forestier. Why so many? It used to be supposed that the composers felt motivated by professional competition and/or eagerness to meet a sublime challenge to their skills. There may well be truth to that notion, but a more practical factor is almost certainly involved. Such masses were written on commission, for pecuniary reward, and the commissions for these masses, as far as we know, came entirely from very potent patrons - kings, dukes, archbishops and such, the movers-and-shakers of Renaissance Europe - and most of these patrons were prominent members of an international confraternity called The Order of the Golden Fleece, which held convocations at significant times and places. A modern analogy might be the annual convocation of big shots at Bohemian Grove in northern California, although as far as I know the Bohemian Club has never commissioned a significant piece of music. The Golden Fleece had its own theme song, which was... L’Homme Arme! I've never heard a L'Homme Arme mass that I didn't like. Obviously not all performances are equally successful, but the challenge of composing a new mass in full awareness of the greatness of previous compositions does seem to have inspired people. Dufay's L'Homme Arme was composed in the 1460s, at a time when Dufay was wealthy and renowned, and approaching old age. Interestingly, it shows the master being strongly influenced by his own disciples; Dufay extends his usual sweet Burgundian polyphony to match the riotous mannerism of younger men like Busnois and Ockeghem. Even so, Dufay's melodic delicacy survives in this most rhythmically electrifying context, making his L'Homme Arme one of the most accessible to modern listeners. The Oxford Camerata performance begins with a unison chanting of the basic L’Homme Arme melody, a helpful gesture for the uninitiated listener. Then director Jeremy Summerly chooses to separate the movements of the mass with chanted monophonic antiphons, an authentic liturgical parctice, and to conclude the performance with the polyphonic motet Supremum est Mortalibus Bonum, written by the much younger Dufay in about 1430. It’s a good choice, allowing the listener to hear the compositional distance Dufay and his disciples had traversed in thirty years. The Oxford Camerata is a choir twelve voices, men and women, all Britons, bearing such charming British names as Alison Coldstream and Julian Smallbones. It’s an excellent choir - better I think than the Tallis Scholars and other similar ensembles, having clearer diction and an more incisive collective timbre - and although I’d prefer to hear this mass performed in recording by singers one on a part, I’m certainly pleased with this CD and recommend it heartily.
Link to Original Review


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